Getting In The Game

I am from Pittsburgh and did not grow up with a professional basketball team. We non-four-sport-city residents are a dime a dozen. I speak for Milwaukee, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, Seattle, etc. when I say we’re tired of being left out of conversations just because we don’t have teams in certain leagues. It’s time to rise up, citizens of Cincinnati, Cleveland, and Salt Lake City. Pick a hockey, basketball, and football team. Now is your chance, your one chance to pick a team and stick with them through the good times and the bad. We are lucky in that sense. I didn’t choose to root for the Pirates, but I’m stuck with ‘em. I won’t let it happen in the NBA.

The process of picking a team contains a lot of ins, a couple of outs, and a handful of what-have-yous. Teams cannot be too good or too bad. They have to be genuinely likable. It is one part art, one part science. It is a tremendous responsibility to be my team, a responsibility I trust my team will take seriously.

Behold, the list of requirements I built for NBA teams to qualify as my team. Godspeed, team of the future. Godspeed.

1. Teams cannot have a dominant recent past.
Now clearly, ‘dominant’ is a relative term and will be assessed on a case-by-case basis. However, it clearly refers to teams that have won their regular seasons conferences and/or appeared in the conference finals. The goal here is not to jump on any bandwagons. So, teams that went deep into the playoffs but ultimately failed will be given some consideration. Time is also a factor. If a team made the conference finals three years ago but has since slumped, I do not necessarily consider them dominant.

*Teams disqualified (7): The Lakers, Celtics, Cavaliers, Magic, Spurs, Pistons, Nuggets

2. Teams cannot have an embarrassing recent past.
I am not a masochist and will not align my allegiance with teams that cannot possibly win this year or next year. Teams that have had a winning percentage of less than .300 in either of the past two years are eliminated. As noted earlier, I am from Pittsburgh. I live with Pirates. I will not invite another loser – no matter how lovable – to the party.

*Teams disqualified (5): The Grizzlies, Clippers, Kings, Timberwolves, Thunder

Note 1: The Heat stay qualified because of their vast improvement from the 2007 season to the 2008 season.
Note 2: The Knicks stay qualified because they are going to inherit Lebron.
(Spoiler alert: both these teams will be eliminated soon.)
Note 3: I fought hard to keep the Thunder out of this category. Their young, dynamic, and have some voluptuous curves. Still, I stick by my rules and foresee another 2-3 years before they can truly compete in the West.

3. Teams cannot have an annoying fan base, owner, or star player.
I like my teams likable. As a fan, I am a free agent, and the emotional weather matters. New York/New Jersey teams are hard to root for. Likewise, cities that have enviably successful teams in other sports don’t need me as a fan. If the Celtics or Pistons were not eliminated earlier, for instance, they would be disqualified here; Boston and Detroit simply enjoy too much success in other sports. We need to spread the wealth. If a fan base of a team is notoriously obnoxious, I won’t be entirely eager to join their ranks. If the Celtics or Pistons were not eliminated earlier, for instance, they would be disqualified here.

*Teams disqualified (5): The Knicks, Nets, Mavericks, Heat, 76ers

4. Teams and cities that have been around for so long and continue to come up short.
At some point, it just becomes fun to watch these teams lose. These teams have superstars that carry their teams consistently. Still, they never seem to have all the pieces in place, no matter how close they get. I have watched these teams lose when I was sure they would win. And now, I can never trust them again.

*Teams disqualified (3): The Wizards, Rockets, Suns

5. Teams should have a premier player that is genuinely enjoyable to watch.
Some players do it for ya, some don’t. With apologies to several players averaging over 20 points/game or 10 rebounds/game, sometimes you’re still not fun to watch. It’s like playing with the Golden State Warriors in NBA JAM. Sure, they had Mullen and Hardaway, but when push came to shove, it was just more exciting to play with Kemp and Schrempf.

*Teams disqualified (6): The Bulls, Bobcats, Hawks, Bucks, Pacers, Warriors

Four teams remain. The Blazers, Raptors, Jazz, and Hornets. These teams are good but not great.

They have young, exciting players in Bosh, Williams, Paul, and Roy/Oden. Being picky – and I realize I am – the Blazers have the West Coast problem, the Raptors play in a big market (strike one) in Canada (strike two), and the Jazz still have yet to shed their Malone/Stockton identity in my mind (though why that is a bad thing, I can’t fully articulate).

With the Hornets, I see players I recognize. I see college ball players who haven’t altered – just improved – their game to play professionally. They can kick it old school with Peja and Mo Peterson. They can kick it new school with Okafor and Wright. They can even kick it middle school with David West. I see a smaller market team competing with the big boys at the top. I see a relatively new team with an even newer identity. I see pride. I see power. I see a bad-ass Hornet who don’t take no crap from nobody. They are primed to make a run.

New Orleans, welcome your newest fan. I’m loyal, good with kids, and have a college degree. Please don’t let me down. Big game against the Mavs tomorrow night; beat them good and let the climb to the top begin.